The last few days, my mind has dwelled on faith. I envy those who can believe blindly, and I fear them. Blind faith is a such a double-edged sword. It's likely to cut your head off as it allows you to slay your enemy. And it makes enemies of those you should love. I know that's cryptic sounding, but it's true.
I grew up in a religious family. Both of my parents were happiest when in their Christian church. Fellowship was important to them, and their church family was Family to them. Reading and hearing the Word brought peace to my father. I saw people gripped by the Holy Spirit and speaking in tongues as a child. I saw people over joyed being baptized. I heard preachers give sermons of love and forgiveness and I heard others whose sermons sounded like they were straight out of "In the Hands of an Angry God." As in Polyanna, those essays on fire and brimstone would leave you with a sour stomach and a perpetual feeling of dread.
I was never happy to just sit in the pew on Sunday and let the minister tell me what God wants of me and how to go about achieving that. I had too many moments where I asked, "Why?" Too many moments where I said, "Show me where it says that." Too many moments where I wanted to know why we were told this over here and then two Sundays later told something over there that contradicts the first thing. And told both are absolute and right because both are the direct word of God sent to man. Prophets, scribes, and ministers are all human and all fallible. They aren't divine avatars of the heavenly source. If they are fallible, their guidance can be corrupted to meet their personal ends and can be bought by whoever needs votes and/or allegiance. It comes down to I don't trust anyone else to tell me what to think who also tells me to never question their direction. I have too many questions for that and too few answers I can trust. So I read the book. And I read the books some counsel decided weren't real books with a capital "B" in the middle ages. And I read other religious texts. And I read books about spiritual paths to enlightenment, meditation practices, philosophies. I read, I watched, I listened ... and I found it all beautiful but lacking. I have never seen myself fitting into any organized religion I have studied.
Jesus seems like he was a nice enough man. He asked us to love one another. He asked us to feed the poor and sick, to share fellowship with anyone who wanted to learn of God no matter their station. He told us the church was for spiritual things and not for material commerce or politics. He was a teacher and minister who practiced what he preached and is deserving of respect and reverence in my book. The church that sprang up after his death? I'm not so sure about it.
I took a few theology classes in college. They were a requirement for my Presbyterian institution. I chose to take a class on the Old Testament, one on the New Testament, and one on Southeast Asian religions and culture. The OT class was probably exactly what you would imagine. Fire and Brimstone, Hell and Damnation, humans continually misbehaving and God doling out punishments because he loves them. The OT is chock full of Thou Shall Nots. An all-knowing, all-powerful being creates two innocent, curious humans (maybe three ... it depends on the text) and puts them in a garden paradise full of wonder. There's a tree that grows fruit on it, and this one fruit God says they must never eat of it. And of course they do. Nothing else in that garden is harmful to them, and they are curious creatures. Wouldn't you want to eat a fruit that comes from a tree called the Tree of Knowledge? I would. And then the punishments and darkness begins and just doesn't end. It's one catastrophe after another. There isn't a lot of peace and love and happiness in the Old Testament.
And the New Testament is about a carpenter's son who becomes a teacher and minister. He promotes love and generosity and acceptance. He teaches a separation of religion and state. Don't believe me? Mark 12:17 Jesus said to them, “Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and to God the things that are God’s.” And they marveled at him. He didn't toe the line when it came to following traditions and teachings already in place within the Jewish faith. And this gentle, kind man who fed the poor and healed the sick ... they killed him for teaching his followers a different truth than theirs. And God let them do this to his messenger among his favored people.
If destiny or fate or whatever you want to call a pre-determine path exists, and it is all God's plan, then what the hell kind of plan is it? God set up a situation where Adam and Eve are destined to fail and fall from Grace (if all is within God's plan as people say), and then God punished them for fulfilling their destinies? God sent Jesus to fulfill the promises of the Old Testament only for him to suffer and die at the hands of the people he was sent to save? What kind of twisted fate have we all been given? People suffer and die horribly. Sickness ravages on all sides. People are killed every day for just existing. Being different is dangerous in so many ways. It's not just the deserving of suffering who are punished either. Often the best of us go first and worst. Sermons tell us if we live our lives well and we treat each other with genuine love and kindness that we will be rewarded. God loves us and will protect us. That's not what the world shows us every day though. It shows us that the rewards go to those who take what they want. Rewards go to the rich and the violent and the lucky. It often has little to do with earning the rewards.
I don't understand it, and my heart breaks for it. My soul aches for understanding of what this is all for and why good people are left to suffer without comfort.
And after this is all over, and we've suffered blindly through our earthly existence, there's the question of the afterlife. What comes after this? Is it more suffering in some hell dimension, some angelic paradise, or do we get shunted into a new infant body to do it all over again? The medieval church and Milton really created and spread the vivid and grotesque images we have of Hell today. If I were to buy into all the rest and believe in a Christian afterlife, I would think that Hell would be to exist outside of the presence and influence of God. It would be a sad continuation of your soul without purpose. I can't see a hell filled with caverns and lakes and rivers of torture. It seems a bit preposterous. And what would be the purpose of it all if the soul has already been sentenced to its fate? Shouldn't suffering have a purpose? Shouldn't it be the goad that pushes the soul to find redemption so that it could eventually join the others in God's circle? The image of the Heavenly host of angels and souls and the golden gate and city in the clouds is a bit ridiculous to me too. If we are going with a conscious Heaven, I rather like the Greek version of the Elysian fields. We get to live in our happiest moments and places forever with our families and friends. I would want to go where the puppies go. Fields of wildflowers to run through and butterflies to chase for the joy of running and not catching. Other puppies and humans to romp with. Sunshine to sleep in and cool water to drink and play in. A puppy Heaven sounds like the best Heaven. I find it hard to buy into any one version though because they all seem ... off, and flawed in some way.
Ultimately I think I most believe in the continuation of energy. The Law of Conservation of Energy says that energy can neither be created nor destroyed - only converted from one form of energy to another. We as humans at the very particle level of our existence are energy. I would think our souls would be energy too, a giant sentient battery that powers these bodies. When we die, the energy that was our physical form becomes food for other creatures still on their life journey and eventually becomes dirt for seeds to germinate in and grow into plants. Our souls are released from those husks. No longer trapped in a single form, they are free. So much energy. Maybe the energy that was at the core of me would become the energy that powers the current of a mountain stream or the energy that creates the gust of wind that twirls a whirlwind of snowflakes onto a dancing child's outstretched tongue. Maybe the energy that was me will be a ray of sunshine that helps a perfect purple crocus burst up through the snow in the Spring. Maybe all of the energy that powers everything around us is soul energy. Maybe I'll still have a notion of myself or maybe self will be gone entirely and all is just energy that powers the design of a higher being. God is in everything and everyone, and when we die we return to the formless energy we began as, a seamless part of God again. There's a simplicity and peace to it that makes me smile.
It makes me think of my favorite religious themed movie, Stigmata, where Jesus describes the world and his and God's relation to it (paraphrased here) "The Kingdom is within you and it is outside of you, not in buildings or mansions made with human hands. Split a piece of wood and I am there, lift a stone and you will find me." The gospel of St. Thomas adds more to this, "Jesus said: I am the light that is above them all. I am the all; the all came forth from me, and the all attained to me." The Creator whoever you believe that is, Heaven, the Universe is within us all and around us all, and at some space in time we shall every one of us return to the All. I think in that is the Truth.
