Let Them See You

In today's world when we are so inundated with information and have access to communicate with one another on every platform imaginable, how well do we actually know each other? Sadly, not very.

Over the past couple of years, this has hit home for me so many times. I had 39 years to get to know each of my parents, and there are so many things I can't answer about them both. I know they loved their siblings and me beyond measure. They both worked incredibly hard to make ends meet for our household, and they were both generous to others even at a detriment to themselves.

My Daddy's favorite cake was red velvet, and he peanut butter was the only food he would refuse outright. He loved parched or boiled peanuts though, and they were a favorite snack. He was very food adventurous and would always try the new restaurants and new types of food with me.

Mama liked salted peanuts in Coca-Cola, but only one in the glass bottle. She thought all pork was bad for you because her doctor told her not to have ham or luncheon meat because of her high blood pressure. I could not convince her for the life of me that he meant salt cured pork and processed meats because of the sodium. Even a shake of black pepper was too spicy for her. She drank a lot of water and loved crushed ice from Sonic.

I don't know their favorite colors or favorite movies or favorite songs. I don't know where they went on their first date. I never heard a story about when they knew they loved each other or their wedding proposal or marriage. I know the wedding took place at the courthouse.

I wish Daddy had talked more about his mother. I know she worked hard to raise her five boys, and it wasn't easy. Daddy helped when he could, and I am sure the other older boys did too. The youngest boy was still in school when she passed away. I was a toddler and only have the briefest and fuzziest of memories of her. We visited her sisters often, and I like them a lot. I sew like her and embroider. Daddy gave me her sewing machine when I learned to sew.

I wish I had spent more time getting to know both of my parents as people outside of being my parents. I think that's what you are suppose to do as adults. We lived so far apart, and we were able to spend so little time together once I was out of school. And then they were both gone so quickly. We never had the chance to do so many things.

Their deaths has taught me never to take time or people for granted. Say what needs to be said, keep in touch, don't put things off until tomorrow. Tomorrow is never guaranteed.

Life Lessons and Retrospection

Seeing the life issues some of my friends and family are having to go through right now has made me rather introspective about my own past, good and bad. I've made big mistakes. I've been hurt horribly, and I know at times I've hurt others just as horribly both intentionally and on accident. I've taken some big risks, some of which paid off big for me and some not. I've made some great friends who have stuck around through thick and thin, and I've watched as people I thought were friends drifted out of my life without a backward glance.

Looking back on all those moments, I realize so much could have been avoided or at least the pain could have been lessened if I’d just learned to love and trust myself much earlier than I did. I was always looking for something that would make me better, make me into someone who people liked/loved, make me prettier, make me more successful, make me smarter. I was always looking for that something or someone on the outside, when I should have been looking within.

I had everything in me that I needed, but I’d been told so many times to the contrary that I never saw it. You’re ugly … you’re fat … you’re stupid … you’re never going to make anything of yourself. I let those voices become so loud and so insidious that I had no doubt they were telling the truth. They weren't even close to the truth. The people who said those things, they didn't even know me. Most of the people I didn't even like or want to know myself. On good days, I could tell myself that if they really knew me, they wouldn't say such hurtful words. The people who said those things to me who were close to me in my mind validated all the others though.

I’ve learned to be who makes me happy and not worry about anyone else. I don’t want to be a person anyone/everyone will love. I want to be who I’m meant to be. There are people in this world who I have been lucky enough to meet (and some I haven’t met yet I’m sure) who do or will love me just the way I am, because of who I am. If I had just learned that sooner, what unhappiness I could have spared myself and others. But then some of those hard times and trials have helped make me who I am, and right now I wouldn't want to be anyone else for all the world.

If I could share one thing with the people I love, it’s to love yourself, blemishes and flaws included, to learn from your mistakes and strive always to be someone you would be proud to know. Laugh, love, close your eyes and take that leap of faith from time to time. Maybe that’s all any of us can ask for in life … to be comfortable enough in our own skin to love ourselves and strong enough to trust we won’t be hurt when letting others in.