What does happiness mean to you? What is the operational definition?
Happiness is not being in pain or distress; physical, mental, or emotional. Happiness is not being so afraid that it holds me back from doing or being what makes me happiest.
Up until now, have you believed it was obtainable? Why or why not?
I think moments of happiness have caught me by surprise from time to time. They come out of nowhere, and when they're happening it's a whirlwind of beauty. It's only after when they are gone that I realize just how wonderful those individual moments were. I wish I had paid more attention to them when they were happening, cherished them in the moment, held on tighter to the feelings. Maybe they are so special and memorable because they are so rare. I don't know.
Think of a specific time when you were happy. What did that happiness look like? How did it feel?
I wasn't worrying about anything. I wasn't thinking about something I had to do later. I wasn't worried about the way I looked in that moment. I wasn't in any physical pain. I wasn't trying too hard to be or do or say anything. I could just be. Laughter. There's always laughter, and everything is bright in my memory even in the dark.
What does the happiest version of you look like? How do they respond to triggers? What do they believe to be true?
The happiest version of me is happy to be me, just as I am. Imperfectly perfect. The happiest version of me is able to accept love and not question its cost or motive. The happiest version of me can offer love without fear of it being misused or used to hurt me later. The happiest version of me smiles more and feels the smiles. The happiest version of me is every shade of green.
Imagine the wild, wide desert. You are lost. You are thirsty. You are rescued. What happens when you learn to drink from someone else’s palm? Can you find peace in needing someone or something other than yourself? Can you lean into the softness, the slowness? Who are you when you aren’t in control?
Letting someone else be in control of me and/or my life has been a point of difficulty for me for as long as I can remember. I think it stems from feeling like I had absolutely no control over what happened in my life growing up. The way I reacted to the chaos was my only sense of control, and I learned to hold onto that with a death grip.
It has had both its good and bad repercussions. As an adult, I am organized and self-sufficient. I show initiative to commit to a job or task and I make sure it is completed from start to finish. It also means that while I can be a team player, I do not like it when I am forced into a group a project. I hate depending on others in order to get something done in a timely and efficient manner. I do not trust that others will pull their weight and do their part. I would rather just do it all myself so that there is less important parts outside of my control. I keep a schedule of everything that needs to be done, paid, etc. for each month. I detest being late. I make lists and enjoy checking off items as they are completed.
But, all of that strict organization and control means that sometimes I resent the feeling that I "have" to be in control. Sometimes I want desperately to be able to hand over the reins of control to someone I trust enough to see me and care for me in a vulnerable state. Sometimes I just want to feel and be. No thoughts, no questions. Peace and passion. I think that's why I was so drawn to alternative lifestyles that offered a place for people who thought similarly. Those scenes and relationships are the only ones I have been able to fully release control and lose myself for a little while. It's an incredible feeling when I trust the person enough to just be. Gentle but strong. Power wrapped in silk. It took me quite a while to realize that giving up control did not make me powerless. There is unbelievable power in submitting yourself to someone else's will for a short time.
In what ways am I like my parents? In what ways do I hope I'm not like my parents?
My parents were very different people. In ways I am made up of parts of both of them, and in other ways I am nothing like either of them.
I have my father's patience. I am very slow to anger, but it is impressive when it does finally happen. And I may eventually forgive, but I do not forget what and who lit the fuse. This is good and bad. I always admired that he didn't resort to yelling and violence in the face of the same aimed at him. He chose the higher road so to speak. But I know while he seemed strong and immovable on the outside, he was bending and breaking on the inside. Toward the end of his life, I think he decided life was too short to be silent, and he found his voice in conflicts. Sometimes he may have been too harsh for the situation at hand. I think he was responding to 40 years of those situations all at once. I do not want that to happen to me. I do not want my spirit to be broken by emotional abuse. I try very hard to make my feelings known in a constructive and thoughtful manner and to push back if I am being treated poorly.
I inherited his love of exploration. He taught me to explore and learn through books, travel, conversation. My father kindled in me a fire of creativity and curiosity that has never waned. If financially feasible, I never pass up the chance to visit somewhere new and meet new people with different experiences than my own. My father always wanted to travel, but up until the point when he got sick, he was always working. He could never afford to take the time off work to be able to go to the places he read about. Then he was diagnosed with cancer and went through years of treatments and procedures. He was finally well and wanted to plan his first trip, and then he passed away. He never got to enjoy his retirement the way he'd always hoped he would. It's why I don't wait. If the opportunity comes up and we can swing it, we travel. We try new foods. We read new books. We experience everything we can.
My mother was a very passionate person. She rarely had a middle of the road opinion about anything. She loved it or hated it, and there was seldom and instance where anyone could change her mind once it was made up. In ways it was good because she was very persistently dogged in her determination to help when her help was offered. She fought long and hard for the people she cared about no matter what it was they needed. She gave a lot of people a voice who didn't have one. She fought for medical care. She fought for the senior folks she worked for to make sure they had proper assistance so they could stay in their own homes and for the most part on their own for as long as possible. She fought for the kids she saw being neglected. She taught me I had to stand up for myself because there may not always be someone around to do it for me. She taught me there is always someone else to ask, someone else to call, someone else to write a letter to until what needed to be done got done. No was rarely an acceptable answer when she had decided on a course of action. Her methods of fighting the fight were often not to my liking though. Whether she meant to or not, she bullied mercilessly to get her way. Physically, mentally, emotionally. If you misstepped and did something she didn't approve of, there was no getting away from consequences from her. There was no sharing of ideas. There was no discourse or compromise. There was not swaying of minds. I learned to melt into the background as much as possible to avoid notice so that I could exist as I was and not who she wanted me to be. It has taken many years to recover from that.
With all that passion, she was quick to anger but also quick to cool down. She would rage like a hurricane that you'd think would never end. But then once she was done, it was like it never happened. Quite literally, you could try and discuss with her five minutes after a yelling spree, and she would have no idea why you thought she might be angry. Done is done. Once the anger left her, it was like it never even happened. It was infuriating to me growing up. I wanted to discuss. I wanted to try and understand why she blew up at me about this or that. I wanted to try and understand her. I don't know if in her mind the anger really was done once she was finished yelling or if she just never wanted to let people get close enough to her to let them in. My mind and heart do not work that way, and I was never able to understand how she could be boiling mad one moment and happy the next.
My mother was very generous and selfless in many ways. She have of herself until she physically harmed herself by doing too much. She put everyone else's health and happiness above her own, and seeing to herself often got pushed to the side or forgotten altogether until something came up that she couldn't ignore. She took care of my grandfather when he was sick near the end of his life. She took care of my father through years of sickness near the end. If someone in the family needed something, she made sure they had it. She made all of the phone calls to arrange appointments and medication and education and whatever else needed to happen. She loaned money knowing she'd never get it back. Sometimes that was money they really needed to keep things going for themselves, but instead my parents sacrificed their own comfort and well-being to see someone else get taken care of. She knew everyone's birthdays and anniversaries and the names of all of their kids. She knew their families and friends and went out of her way to do nice little things to make their days happier. She taught me that someone out there is always having a worse day or is in a worse position than you are in. If you have extra money, time, etc. to give, give it without expecting anything in return.
I am a little ashamed to put it into words. Overall, I am many things my father taught me to be, and I am many things my mother taught me not to be. There were good and bad in both. No one is perfect. I love them both equally, and I learned so much from them both that I am grateful for. But in some instances the love is so intwined with personal pain that it's hard to untangle.
I release Yesterday and start fresh with Today. This year, I am letting go of ...
I will focus my attention both inward and outward to identify and let go of the things in my life that are holding me back from happiness and personal success. I am working very hard to reconcile old anger and hurt that I have been holding onto for too long. It isn't helping me to keep it tight to my heart. The people who planted the seeds are gone. I do not want to be the one that tends that garden in their absence. I would rather resew it with feelings and experiences and people who bring and foster positivity in my life.
I am ready to create a Life I Love. This year I am calling in ...
This year I am calling in joy for joy's sake, spontaneity, and love. If I want birthday cake in June and my birthday is February, I am going to have cake. I am going to dig my toes into the ground and absorb the sunshine more often. Smell the fresh cut scent of grass and the chilly crispness of a new snow. Just slow down and appreciate and enjoy the things around me more.
I live with Purpose and Passion. These are the gifts I plan to share with the world ...
I am going to say and show 'I love you' to the people in my life I love more often. There is no too much to loving someone. I have such amazing people in my life. They deserve to know and feel that I love them. I want to explore my thoughts, beliefs, and practices to share my most authentic self with the world. I want to explore and share my creativity more often, whether it is on a work project or an improvement project at home, or a creative arts project that I plan to gift or sell. I want to create more this year. Grief has really taken a toll on my creative well, and I want to fill that back up this year.
I miss you more than words can express. I miss picking up the phone and calling you just to talk. I miss discussing the books we're reading and the television shows we've both been watching. I miss buying you the newest gadgets. I miss being able to ask you how to fix something that's broken or asking you for advice on a new plan we have for just about anything. You were my sounding board for life. Mostly I just miss hearing your voice. I miss you laugh and how you said my name. I miss knowing that you're there.
I know your brothers miss you too. You were their anchor that held the family together. Without you and Mama, we are all adrift. I hope they are keeping in touch on their own. I try and reach out to each of them every now and then just to check in and see how they are doing.
I hope this letter finds you happy, covered in grease, pockets full of tools and keys, with your hounds by your side. I'm sure even in a perfect Heaven there'd be things in need of fixing and dogs in need of pets.
Love,
Your Doodlebug
1/28/2023
Hi Daddy,
I am starting another year without you, and I miss you and Mama terribly. I miss the sound of your voices and the feel of your hugs. I miss being able to ask for your advice, but mostly just being able to talk to you about a little of everything. You are going to laugh, but I even miss you two bickering. Not a lot on that one, but a little.
Please watch over Grandmother if you can. She fell and ended up in the hospital for a few days. Now she's in a rehabilitation center going through physical therapy so hopefully she can be strong enough to go home soon. She's been there two months. She's made a lot of progress during that time, but she has a ways to go. Her walking has been improving, but she still can't get up from the bed without help. That's scary. Hopefully she'll be able to reach a point where she can go back home safely and there are no more falls. Please keep an eye on her for us and send some encouragement and healing her way if you can.
One of my witchy writing exercises recently suggested writing letters to the dead as a way of processing the grief and all the feelings attached. I have been walking around with so much unresolved anger since my mom passed and no way to resolve it. Nothing left but to let it go.
I thought about how we’ve made Yule wish balls in the past and filled a pine cone with wishes for the future and things we want to let go of from the prior year. Maybe I could do something similar to take the first step to free myself from the rage I have been holding onto.
So, I wrote my letter, which I am not going to share here. It's a private thing, and I do not want to cause harm to people I care about if they happened upon this post and read my private thoughts and feelings. There could be no good from making those public. I folded the letter into a small paper packet fill the folds and spaces with dried herbs and flowers. I made the packet heart shaped because it's my heart that I want to lighten with the practice. I want to think of my mother and her passing and be able to dwell on more love and less anger. I placed it on a bed of sand and dried orange peel, circled it with salt, and burned it til all the words were gone.
I think I will mix the sand and ashes into some soil and plant something pretty that I can watch grow. My mother would have liked that part, and I want to turn the energy that I've been putting into holding onto negativity and use it for something positive and growing and green.
1) Give thanks and recognition of the blessings you've received.
What abundance did you experience this summer? What blessings have you received?
We have been blessed in quite a few ways. We were able to add a bit of time onto my London work trip to explore more of the UK, and that was awesome. We also got to travel with some friends to Texas for a gaming and painting convention. It was our first purely for fun convention since before the pandemic, so it was really nice to gain back that semblance of normalcy. We were able to purchase a new car at relatively affordable payments. It's newer and has better gas mileage than our prior cars, and it's more environmentally friendly as well being an electric hybrid.
2) Acknowledge your personal achievements.
What are some accomplishments that you’re proud of? What changes have you been working on? And how have you grown since the beginning of the year?
I've been slowly working through my mental shit related to my parents passing. It's been long, hard, mostly solitary work, but I am getting there.
3) Give yourself credit for job well done.
Really recognize the things you’ve accomplished and the hard work you’ve put in. Write a note to yourself and express how proud you are of all the hard work you’ve done this year. Talk to yourself like you would a beloved friend, or your child, and let yourself know how proud you are of all your accomplishments.
We organized and facilitated three in-person events, a virtual event, and two directory renewals that all happened within a six month segment of time. That's a ton of work for everyone, with so many moving parts. It could have gone off the rails in so many ways, but it didn't. We should all be proud of that.
Steffie and I put in a new pollinator garden and installed a new vegetable arch and strawberry patch this year to go with our prior three garden boxes. We canned corn, spaghetti sauce, hot wing sauce, and chili starter. We have also successfully brewed multiple batches of beer and cider.
4) Analyze what is and isn't in balance within yourself and your life.
In what areas of your life to you feel really well balanced? Where do you feel like you’re rockin’ it?Where do you feel out of balance? Why do you think that is? Give yourself 1 action item to bring things back into alignment.
I do not feel like I am rocking anything right now. It's been a struggle to keep up with yard work and house work and gardening and the actual work I get paid for. It has felt like I have been a day to a week behind on everything. I want to give more time to my wife and to myself as well. I feel like there aren't nearly enough hours in the day. I need to give myself some solid time to really rest my mind and soul and rejuvenate so that I can set my mind on what is actually important to the moment with energy and focus.
5) Let go of what isn't serving you.
In order to experience new Soul growth, we need to let go of our old leaves–old patterns and habits that no longer serve us. What are you ready to let go of? What do you need to shed in order for new life to grow?
I need to let go of things that happened or didn't happen in the past so that I can move forward with a clean slate. I can change those things. I can't make those people happy now, and many of them do not deserve my effort to do so. I need to focus only on the hear and now and on what I want to achieve in the future.
The Waning Gibbous moon is the time to reflect on this lunar cycle. This is the time to turn inward with prayer and meditation. Reflect on your intentions and give gratitude for all that has been granted to you thus far. Celebrate the abundance that has been manifested thus far, and prepare to move forward with ease and grace.
*I am grateful for…
I am grateful for my wife. She works hard with me, and she plays hard with me. I have never had anyone in my life (family, SO, friend) who is more of a partner than she is. We laugh so much together. She gets my off beat sense of humor and shares it. She sends me funny or cute pictures/stories randomly during the day because she knows I will enjoy them. She cooks for me and with me. She's always willing to explore a new dish or a new restaurant. Really anything in our lives, if I bring an idea to her and say I wanna try this, she's right there with me to give it a go. I love her completely non-judgemental, adventurous spirit.
*What have I enjoyed about this lunar cycle?
I've enjoyed all of the beautiful green things that have been blooming and fruiting in our garden. Tomatoes and cucumbers and squash. Onions, so many herbs, rhubarb. The pop of a sun warmed cherry tomato in your mouth is such a lovely thing. The milky sweet smell of fresh corn. The way with just a few ingredients yellow squash melts in your mouth like butter.
*What revelations have been revealed to me thus far?
I did some deep soul searching about my past, my family, and myself and how we all relate to and affect one another. It was and is hard, and it's going to take a while to sort through how I feel about it and how I am going to respond to the revelations.
*How can I take care of myself?
I need to allow myself more down time. Sometimes I over schedule, and I feel so drained that I have to forego something I really wanted to do just to recharge. I feel guilty if I have to cancel or say no to a plan, but I mentally and physically feel awful if I try to do everything. Finding a balance for that should be higher priority. Myself as a priority is something I need to work on.
*In what ways am I growing?
I am becoming more okay just being me. Good, bad, pretty, and ugly. All of me. That's a big step.
Where am I holding myself back in life due to fear of others' judgment?
There are parts of my grief and what I've discovered as I've processed my grief over losing my parents that I don't share with people because I know a lot of those people would judge me harshly for it. Once someone has passed, it seems like everyone who loved them is suppose to put on these rosy glasses to only see the very best of the person they lost and their past interactions with them. Not everything is rosy. A lot of things are dark and ugly and still hurt long after time and death has changed everyone involved. If you express those things and are honest about the pain, then you are a bad mother/daughter/sister/friend.
I miss both of my parents and I loved and still love them dearly. Neither were perfect people though. There was some very serious psychological trauma in one of those relationships that shaped how I interacted with the world, how I thought, how I loved. Physical and emotional distance helped chip away at the wall I had built to protect myself, but the attempt to avoid further pain still affects my actions every day consciously and subconsciously. Without the constant reinforcement, it's getting better, but I still have a long journey before this rediscovery of self is complete.
In ways I feel relieved that I am not under the burden of expectations anymore or the psychological/emotional attacks when the expectations weren't met. And that leads to survivor guilt and self deprecation. I am working to work through that. We'll see where it goes.
So, it's hard to express to someone how I feel and not feel awful for feeling it and even worse for saying it out loud. There's a huge burden that's been lifted, and there's another dragging me down. Someday I will fly. For now, I will have to settle for a bit of a float. We all float down here, right?
When have I judged or held back my emotions? (Part 2)
It's weird when you have this sudden realization about something that happened years ago, and you're like, "Huh, that's why I did that!" Honestly, I hold myself back in some way every single day because I have learned it’s safer to keep some parts of myself for myself than share them and get hurt. I do it less as I get older and have slowly separated myself from the people and places that are the most toxic to me. But sometimes I catch myself falling back into old habits.
I remember being in college taking an acting class because it was required for my teaching degree and the profession getting so angry with me. We were doing a visualization exercise where she would throw things out at us and be like, and then this happened and now this and this ... what do you do? I completed mine, and she just looked at me and said, "You wouldn't react that way. No one does." She poked at me and poked at me and demanded that I would get angry and do this or that like normal angry people do. I looked at two or three other people I knew in the class and told the professor to ask them, they know me. They all agreed with me, I was being pretty true to how I would actually react in a stressful situation.
At that point in my life, I had spent so long around an explosive parent who only got more explosive if you reacted to the instigation, that I could field most stress without any outward reaction. It was a coping mechanism for anxiety and psychological abuse. It was also a silent protest because I refused to feed the chaos by losing my composure. Losing composure was a failure/loss. I can look back and see so many instances like this over and over. I realized it on a surface level when I was about 24, and by 25 I had moved as far away as I could manage. I learned to not only disengage but to be forceful about why I was disengaging and put the ownership for the growing distance where it belonged. It got worse for a while. There were lots of, "You were never like this before. What happened to you? You used to be so soft spoken and kind." The real answer was I used to just bear it to keep the peace, and for the first time I was looking out for my peace. Improvement happened slowly over more than a decade, with a load of setbacks.
Odd how random things just make you go, wow, I'm glad I'm here and now and not then anymore.
When have I judged or held back my emotions? (Part 1)
I do it all the time. I do it to protect others, and I do it as self-preservation to protect myself as well. Growing up, the society I was raised in was built on very reserved people. They didn't raise their voices in anger or joy or sadness. You received the very palest hint of emotion in public, and you saved the real thing for the privacy of your own space with no one to witness it. The women especially were expected to be soft-spoken, obedient, level-headed, genteel. There was a constant simmer of unexpressed emotion underlying so many interactions, it left me tense. It was like walking on egg shells forever. I am very good at applying the mask, soft on the outside but hard as steel and thick on the inside. No one ever saw inside. I grew to hate it. I felt so much of me was inside, hidden, that there must be something wrong with me. Why did so much of me have to be locked away. The things that made me happy were weird. The things that infuriated me didn't seem to bother anyone else. The rage and the hurt simmered for years beneath the surface. I found ways of dealing and luckily there were a few people I could be a little more me around. As time went on, I removed myself from the spiritually and mentally claustrophobic places and the toxic people.
What limiting beliefs do I feel ready to detach from?
I am ready to let go of the limiting belief that I only have value within my family if I can produce children. I am more and have always been more than a breeder of more family members. Carrying on the family name and biological footprint is not my responsibility, destiny, or obligation. I can't have children. I am the only living child of my deceased parents. I am the last of their line. I am sorry that they didn't get to have grandchildren before they passed. They would have loved them beyond measure. But, the ability to provide that experience for them was beyond my control. I feel like for many years my mother held resentment toward me for not giving her those grandchildren. That wasn't my fault. I need to let go of the mindset that lets me blame myself for her unhappiness. Her feelings about it were hers and shouldn't be allowed to reflect on me. Considering the genetic legacy I've been handed from both parents, not being able to pass those along may not be a bad thing.
Choose a recipe (cookies are good for their small size, portability, and ease of sharing), then break the ingredients down into their magical meanings. What kind of spell would this recipe work best for? Healing, love, workplace harmony?
I chose Lemon Lavender Tea Cakes. You will find the recipe at the bottom.
I've never really stopped to do a full analysis of one of the recipes I cook from a magical perspective. I cook what feels good and right when I want to provide comfort, warmth, a refreshment of energy, ect. It should be interesting to take a closer look. In the list of ingredients below, the first paragraph is my associations with the ingredient and what I feel and think when I experience them followed by a bulleted item or list of their published magical properties.
BUTTER
Butter can be either a solid or a liquid. It can flow through and around the other ingredients, or it can grease the wheel so to speak to ease the way for other items not to stick and burn. I use it when I cook comfort foods that bring to mind warmth and happiness like fresh biscuits, cookies, and pastries.
Smoothes and soothes energies and relationships
Increases tenacity
Makes change easier
Increases spirituality and connection to Deity on the physical plane
Adds a nurturing, smooth quality to spells
Can be an easy kitchen witch go-to spell: Simply roll butter in herbs and empower it for your spell. Serve with bread!
EGGS
Eggs are the glue that help hold things together in my cooking. To me they also represent life, fertility, hope for the future.
An egg is a complete neat package of life and is very symbolic of fertility, new life, new beginnings and creation itself. Within they also symbolize long life and immortality.
The egg is a complete set of elements in one handy pack: The shell represents Earth, the inner membrane represents Air, the yolk is Fire and the white is Water.
FLOUR
I associate flour with bread, and bread equals warmth and comfort. Humble beginnings for flour to start out as a tiny grain and then become a dry powder and then to be transformed again into all sorts of lovely breads, pies, pastries, and sauces. It has so much malleability and versatility. When I think of flour and the wheat it comes from, I also think of the Biblical story of Joseph and his interpretation of Pharaoh's dreams. In the years of plenty there were beautiful sheaths of grain, full and rich and hearty. It would feed all of the people so that they would not suffer hunger during the lean years.
Magickal properties - abundance, fertility, money, rebirth, truth, strength and energy
BAKING SODA
Baking soda and baking powder have always been a bit magical in my mind when it comes to baking. They are the science and magic of why the breads can rise without yeast. I guess if I were going to apply a magical property to them, I would use them with the intent to assist someone to rise up to meet and overcome adversity, to give a helping hand to meet a goal or work through something challenging in their lives.
Magickal uses - ritual fire safety, cleansing altar tools
SALT
Salt has always represented protection to me. When paired with something sweet, it also adds an element of balance. A tea cake is traditionally round, so it could incorporate the same protection that a circle of salt represents for the receiver.
Sugar is sweetness and first loves. Perhaps a little bad for you, but so enjoyable in small doses. A guilty pleasure.
Magickal properties - attraction, love, used to amplify any attraction spell
VANILLA
In my mind vanilla will always be associated with holiday baking. Days filled with warmth, laughter, the smells of sweet treats, and occasionally a tummy ache after eating too many of said treats. The smell evokes sugary goodness and the deep brown color makes me think of roasting chestnuts. I would use it to invoke a sense of comfort and belonging.
In my world lemon is refreshing and represents something clean and new. Sometimes it's surprising and unexpected. It livens things up. I can almost feel the warmth of the sunshine and taste the tart of the lemon on my tongue from my grandmother's lemonade when I smell the zest.
I have a love-hate relationship with lavender flowers. It's beautiful and fragrant and delicate when used sparingly, but it can turn astringent and medicinal very quickly if used with a heavy hand. It's a nice balance to the acidity of the lemon and richness of butter. Like the salt, I have always associated lavender with purification and protection. It has become such a common place ingredient in stress-relief and sleep teas, lotions, body washes, that I also immediately think relaxation as well.
Attract men: Wear lavender perfume or add lavender essential oil to your beauty and love spells to bring your next lover to you.
Banishing harmful spirits: Sprinkle the flowers along the floor of your home or business to ward away evil spirits.
Happiness: Bake lavender into cookies or flavor your lemonade with the flower to bring happiness.
Increase intelligence: Drink the tea, make a sachet, or eat food crafted from lavender to increase your brainpower.
Long Life: Use lavender in your beauty routine or carry the flower on you to promote longevity.
Purification: Burn lavender or use the fresh sprigs to sprinkle blessed water in your home to remove harmful energies.
Sleep: Make a tea, fill an eye pillow, or place a few drops of lavender essential oil into your full pillow; its scent and energy will help relax your mind and bring on sleep.
All of that in a cookie prepared and shared with love. Who knew? And if you've made it this far, below is the recipe.
Lemon Lavender Tea Cakes
1 cup butter, softened
2 cups white sugar
3 large eggs
1 tsp vanilla extract
3 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 medium lemon
1/2 Tbs dried lavender flowers
1) Combine flour, soda, and salt and sift together. Set Aside.
2) In separate bowl beat butter at medium speed with an electric mixer until creamy. Gradually add sugar, beating well. Add eggs, 1 at a time, beating until blended after each addition. Add vanilla extract, dried lavender flowers, 1 1/2 teaspoon lemon juice, and the zest of one lemon beating until blended.
3) Add flour mixture to butter mixture. Beat at low speed until blended together.
4) Divide dough in half; wrap each portion in plastic wrap, and chill 1 hour.
5) Roll half of dough to 1/4-inch thickness on a floured surface. Cut out cookies with a 2 1/2-inch round cutter, and place 1 inch apart on parchment paper-lined baking sheets.
What happens when you get naked and sit in the garden of your dark?
This sentence is so evocative for me that I had to start with it first. My dark is fluid and warm and forms a sphere around me, a womb in the middle of my garden where it's always dusk, purple and pale yellow, fire flies flashing among the night blooming flowers that are just waking up. There are mice in the roses. The darkness flows like water, but it has solid depth and the texture of slow pour molasses. My dark is like the amniotic breathing fluid in The Abyss. I breathe it in, and it fills me. The thick silence is deafening and amplifying. Sometimes it wraps me in its arms, and sometimes it crashes against and around me like a wave. It becomes what it needs so that I can be what I need.
My dark is surrounded by the corn from The Stand, both Mother Abigail's and Nadine's. A wonderful maze of green. Close your eyes and breathe deep. You can smell it. You can almost taste it in the air. Fresh, sweet kernels plump and sticky and full of milky fluid. Velvety fuzz, sleek silk, razor sharp edges. Sex and danger and life.
A riot of vines criss-cross the ground, bisecting the rows, growing up the towering corn, flowering and laden with fruit among the stalks. Dark purple fruit filled with red flesh, dripping juice that looks like blood. Sweet, tangy, salty all at once. Chaos in order. Comforting. Frightening. Exciting. Intoxicating.
We're all in our Dark. Everything happens in the Dark.
"When I die, my body stops functioning. Five minutes later, my brain cells start dying. But in the meantime, in between, maybe my brain releases a flood of DMT – the psychedelic drug released when we dream – so I dream. I dream bigger than I have ever dreamed before because it’s all of it. Just the last dump of DMT all at once, and my neurons are firing and I’m seeing this firework display of memories and imagination. My mind’s rifling through the memories, long and short term, and the dreams mix with the memories. And it’s a curtain call. One last great dream as my mind empties the fuckin’ missile silos, and then I stop. My brain activity ceases and there is nothing left of me. No pain, no memory, no awareness that I ever was. That I ever hurt someone. That I ever killed someone. Everything is as it was before me. All of the other little things that make me up – the microbes and bacterium and the billion other little things that live on my eyelashes and in my hair and in my mouth and on my skin and in my gut and everywhere else, they just keep on living and eating. And I’m serving a purpose. I’m feeding life and I’m broken apart and all the littlest pieces of me are just recycled and I’m billions of other places. And my atoms are in plants and bugs and animals, and I am like the stars that are in the sky. There one moment and then just scattered across the goddamn cosmos.”
"Myself. My self. That’s the problem. That’s the whole problem with the whole thing. That word, “self.” Thats not the word. That’s not right, that isn’t…How did I forget that? When did I forget that? The body stops a cell at a time, but the brain keeps firing those neurons. Little lightning bolts, like fireworks inside and I thought I’d despair or feel afraid, but I don’t feel any of that. None of it. Because I’m too busy. I’m too busy in the moment. Remembering. Of course. I remember that every atom in my body was forged in a star. This matter, this body is mostly empty space after all, and solid matter? It’s just energy vibrating very slowly why there is no me. There never was. The electrons of my body mingle and dance with the electrons of the ground below me and the air I’m no longer breathing. And I remember there is no point where any of that ends and I begin. I remember I am energy. Not memory. Not self. My name, my personality, my choices, all came after me. I was before them and I will be after, and everything else is pictures, picked up along the way. Fleeting little dreamlets printed on the tissue of my dying brain. And I am the lightning that jumps between. I am the energy firing the neurons, and I’m returning. Just by remembering, I’m returning home. And it’s like a drop of water falling back into the ocean, of which it’s always been a part. All things… a part. You, me and my little girl, and my mother and my father, everyone’s who’s ever been, every plant, every animal, every atom, every star, every galaxy, all of it. More galaxies in the universe than grains of sand on the beach. And that’s what we’re talking about when we say “God.” The cosmos and its infinite dreams. We are the cosmos dreaming of itself. It’s simply a dream that I think is my life, every time. But I’ll forget this. I always do. I always forget my dreams. But now, in this split-second, in the moment I remember, the instant I remember, I comprehend everything at once. There is no time. There is no death. Life is a dream. It’s a wish. Made again and again and again and again and again and again and on into eternity. And I am all of it. I am everything. I am all. I am that I am."
Both of these quotes are from the television show Midnight Mass, found streaming on Netflix. I was so impressed and taken back by the beauty and simplicity of what's expressed in them. It's very different than what the majority of people I know think when they talk about what comes after this life. They aren't full of pearly gates and singing angels and tearful reunions with loved ones who have passed on before. It made me really think about what I believe about the afterlife.
I have to believe that some part of us remains after the outer shell of our bodies die. I don't think this life is all there is. That thought is too depressing for me.
I'm not sure I am fully sold on the idea of reincarnation, nor am I sure I would want that. We struggle and fight our way through life cherishing the few moments of happiness and fulfillment we are able to experience, and then when we die, we get sent back to go through it all again ... in the hopes of what? Learning one more speck of knowledge of about the world or oneself or whatever. The pain outweighs that speck, and I would hate to think whatever higher power set the world into motion would be that much of a sadist.
Do I buy the idea of a Heaven and Hell .... or Elysian Fields and Tartarus ... or whatever you call your Paradise versus Everlasting Suffering? Maybe, but maybe not. I don't believe in the church's version necessarily. Dante's vision of it is interesting intellectually, but it's too mired in dogma. I think if we buy into the idea that we go to one place or the other that each is made up from our own conceptions of them. Hell is of our own making, and so is Heaven. I think it would be different for everyone. I have resonated with the evolving personal Heaven, Hell, and Purgatory presented by the movie What Dreams May Come. If that's the sort of Afterlife we all get, and I have been kind enough to go to the Good Place in the end, I hope I get to exist in my happiest moments. A cabin by the river in the mountains that I love. Visits from all of my loved ones. A meadow to run with the dogs I loved as much as I did the people. A crowded table full of delicious foods with a chair for everyone who has made my existence a little richer, a little happier, a little more full.
While that thought is nice, it's not the one that brings me the most peace and contentment. In the end, I hope I know what it was all for ... the why, the who, the why not ... just KNOW. And then knowing that Knowing wasn't as important as I had thought because there is so much more to being than simply knowing. The body and both its pleasures and pains are gone, but "I" remain. Not the I that I thought I was maybe or that I had always been because it was so entwined with the physical body and the limited scope of the human mind. I would be the "I" I could have always been if I had not been so confined. Light, effervescent, large and small, solid and vapor. Aware of myself but so much more than I had ever "been" before. I could be the little gust of wind that lifts a leaf off the ground and dances it round and round through the air. I could be the current that rushes water through the rocks of the stream. I could be the sunlight that helps the Spring flowers break the surface of the snow. To be an unfettered and eternal part of everything, tied to the Universe and to its Creator in ways that I never could be in my mortal form. And then as time goes on (if time exists outside of mortality at all), we grow less and less "I" and then just "Are." We exist to be what needs to be at any given moment. Raw energy to be formed and used and reformed but always there.
Happy almost full moon, mystic! Today's ritual is all about YOU!
With Venus in Capricorn and the upcoming Full Blood Moon Lunar Eclipse in Taurus on Friday, this is the perfect opportunity to clear out any negative feelings about yourself and fill up with LOVE!
Full moons are a time of release. So to prepare for this grand event, let's do some work on your inner world that will leave you feeling loved up and supported by the most important person in your life: YOU!
On a piece of paper or in your journal, follow these prompts. Don't think hard, but follow your intuition and write down what comes up first:
Write down 5 things you love about yourself (not physical)
Write 5 things you'd like to stop doing or shift (negative self talk, etc.)
Write down 5 ways you want to love yourself better (acceptance, etc.)
As you reflect on these questions and discover what coms out of you, release judgement, shame, guilt, and being too hard on yourself. Your main task today is to talk to yourself like you would your best friend. No negative self-talk, no self-deprecating comments, no scowling at the mirror. Just per, radiant LOVE!
1) 5 things you love about yourself (not physical)
Capacity for love
Perservance
Sense of Humor
Generosity
Creativity
2) 5 things you'd like to stop doing or shift
Holding Anger
Leaving Self-care to Last
Letting Little Things get to Me
Losing Patience
Negative Self Image
3) 5 Ways you Want to Love Yourself Better
More Meaningful time for Self-care
Reorganize my Physical Surroundings to lessen the Mental Chaos
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