Disconnected and Disillusioned

 I find myself feeling disconnected and disillusioned. Since my parents passed away five years go, the already thin threads that tied me to my family have become thinner and have been stretched to the breaking point. 

The calls, which were always rare, have almost disappeared completely unless I am the one doing the calling. I occasionally reach out because I promised my mother I would if something were to happen to her or my father. But there's only so much I can take of always being the one reaching out. In the 26 years I have had a home of my own, my family has never knocked on my door or stepped over my threshold no matter how near or far I lived from them. I have always been the one expected to travel to them, and I'm made to feel guilty when I can't or don't want to spend my little free time and money doing that. Not to mention that, without my parents, I feel even more of an outsider than I always have. It's a place of pain for me.

With the current state of our country, it's not particularly safe for us to travel there, but I fell beneath the weight of the guilt. I am stressing and anxious, and if I even breathe a mention of it, they blow off my fears as ridiculous and unnecessary. They aren't though. They do not read and hear the hate spewed at people considered "other" every day. We're other in so many ways, it would take ages to count them all. That makes travel particularly stressful. Where is it safe to stop along the way? Where should we avoid? Where can we stop for the night? Air BnB's are out because we do not want to surprise anyone with our existence in their home. Can you image inadvertently ending up in a rental home in the middle of nowhere and have the homophobic or transphobic owner show up for a surprise visit? 

Yeah, I don't want to risk that. I don't think my family will ever understand the inherent danger involved in that. Or maybe they do because there certainly weren't any open doors or empty beds for us once we got there. Guilt-tripping, Christian relatives who might as well have been reenacting the part of the Christmas story where there is no room at the inn. There was no room for us with any of them. I cried until my eyes swelled and I felt empty. Then I filled that empty with protective anger. I'm sure I'll grieve again later, but for now the anger is better.

Maybe the threads have finally snapped, and some things aren't able to be mended.

Tarot Thursday - Witch Runes - Let's Try This Again

 

Today's Run Set: Witch Runes

Today's Question: How do I let go of anger when there can never be any outside resolution due to a death? How do I move on?

I know this isn't tarot, but I am grouping divination tools under one weekly heading for ease of sorting. In my last Thursday post, I attempted a cast with these runes, and the universe told me I wasn't in the right headspace to hear what it needed to say. Today, I tried again with a clearer, more conscious intent related to what I needed insight and guidance on.

Past Influences (Star) 

Rune Meaning- Positive. A hope, a wish, or a long-term dream that you want to make into a reality. This is a lofty goal, and it's okay to dream big and have high expectations. Even when expectations are unreasonable, there may be a hidden manifestation of at least one version of the original goal. The star can represent a gift or a windfall as well as a guiding light.

Interpretation: I did have an overall goal related to the situation that I have worked very hard to achieve throughout my life. It seemed like progress was finally being made, and there were big dreams and expectations tied to the hoped for outcome. That goal is now impossible to achieve due to a death. That lack of resolution has fostered a lot of anger and resentment that has no place to go.

Present Influences (Romance)

Rune Meaning - Negative. Passion has turned into obsession. Sex and romance are afoot. Diverse people are brought together in one union and so squabbling is natural. People who once had diverging views are now attempting reconciliation, but there may be spite or jaded attitudes all around. There is a raw, magnetic attraction that draws people together.

Interpretation: My mind dwells too much on the things I can’t change, on reconciliations I can’t make, minds I can now never change, words I will never say or hear.

Current Situation (Woman)

Rune Meaning - Negative. This represents the passive, receptive energies that are often categorized as feminine. The rune can also represent a literal woman pertaining to the situation. Other feminine characteristics include nurturing, creativity, birth of something new, and cleansing energy.

Interpretation: Yes, a woman is at the heart of the situation. Two women actually. One is beyond reach, but I can change myself and how I am handling this situation. I can be the birth of something new and clean and good for myself.

Action (Crossroads)

Rune Meaning - Negative. The path is blocked by obstacles that can only be overcome by changing direction. Be flexible, but know that sacrifices must be made or else they will be taken by the random happenstance of the universe. Things may take longer than expected. Choose your battles.

Interpretation: Pee or get off the pot. I can continue to dwell on things that are absolutely beyond my control and that break me down emotionally, mentally, physically … or I can let it go and move on. I have been at a crossroads for almost three years, and it’s time to pick a direction. Going back isn’t an option.

Outcome (Rings)

Rune Meaning - Positive. You can't do it alone, so form the right and lasting alliances. There may be a business partnership, a marriage, or other team formation. Seek out a partnership if none exists in the matter at hand.

Interpretation: Moving on and letting go will help strengthen the bond and love that I feel like I’ve lost in the haze of anger and grief. I may need to ask for help along the way, and I should remind myself that is okay too.

Witchy Wednesday Writing Prompt: A Letter for the Lost

Letters to Heaven by Osnat Tzadok.

One of my witchy writing exercises recently suggested writing letters to the dead as a way of processing the grief and all the feelings attached. I have been walking around with so much unresolved anger since my mom passed and no way to resolve it. Nothing left but to let it go.

I thought about how we’ve made Yule wish balls in the past and filled a pine cone with wishes for the future and things we want to let go of from the prior year. Maybe I could do something similar to take the first step to free myself from the rage I have been holding onto.

So, I wrote my letter, which I am not going to share here. It's a private thing, and I do not want to cause harm to people I care about if they happened upon this post and read my private thoughts and feelings. There could be no good from making those public. I folded the letter into a small paper packet fill the folds and spaces with dried herbs and flowers. I made the packet heart shaped because it's my heart that I want to lighten with the practice. I want to think of my mother and her passing and be able to dwell on more love and less anger. I placed it on a bed of sand and dried orange peel, circled it with salt, and burned it til all the words were gone.

I think I will mix the sand and ashes into some soil and plant something pretty that I can watch grow. My mother would have liked that part, and I want to turn the energy that I've been putting into holding onto negativity and use it for something positive and growing and green.

Grief is a Funny Thing

Grief Painting by Strayer

Grief is a funny thing. It hits you at the oddest moments and over the most seemingly insignificant things. It's been just over a year since my mother passed away, and it's been not quite two years since my father passed. It was so sudden and unexpected with my dad. He had beat cancer, not once but twice in the previous six years. He had mostly recovered from his experimental treatments, and the doctors had finally lifted the last of the restrictions that were put in place after his stem cell transplant. He was having his two year anniversary of the transplant in less than two weeks. We were planning to get together after he got back from his last check-in with the transplant team. He wanted to go on an Alaska cruise now that he was retired and could be around people again. We were going to do our best to make it happen. And then he was gone because of a doctor's mistake. No chance for those bucket list last trips, not even a good-bye.

Eight months later, my mother had a massive stroke and then a heart attack and then was gone too. She took care of everyone before herself, and that ultimately killed her. It was incredibly unexpected because she didn't let us know how bad her heart condition was. I knew she was seeing a heart doctor because I badgered her until she agreed to go. The COVID-19 pandemic led to her appointment being put off for almost a year. I was visiting the day she finally had her appointment, and she made it seem so minor. Maybe they could treat with medication, or they might schedule a surgery at her next appointment in a month. Then three weeks later, a blood clot allowed to form because her heart valve wasn't working properly went to her brain and caused the stroke. Then her heart and her kidneys couldn't take the stress anymore. And she was gone.

I lost both of my parents in eight month's time. The grief was debilitating, but I bore it because I had to. There was no one else to take care of what needed to be done. It was heartbreaking to go through the house that was filled with almost fifty years of accumulated memories and keepsakes. It was overwhelming trying to sort through all of the legal things and the probate procedures. Add to that being half way across the country from where they lived. It is surprisingly incredibly hard to get things accomplished from another state.

The grief came in waves. Phone calls that I couldn't make. Triumphs I couldn't share. Questions I couldn't ask. Books I couldn't discuss. Recipes I'll never be able to make again. Family connections forever broken. And the ANGER. I am so angry that the deaths were so senseless. Moments, memories, so much living was stolen that we can never get back.