Letters to the Beyond: To Mama

12-28-2022 

Dear Mama,

I wish you had recognized your own value more. You rarely had a kind word for yourself, yet you did so much good in our world. You took care of everyone in your life, event those who didn't deserve it. And it wasn't just those near and dear to you. You sacrificed so that complete strangers could have food on the table, clothing to wear, and a few presents under the tree come the holidays.

Not enough people said thank you for all you did. Not enough people showed you and Daddy the same generosity when you were in need over the years. Not enough people who loved you told you that you were king, beautiful, and important. They should have because you were all of those things and more. You never understood how loved and needed you were and still are by so many. I hope wherever you are now that you know.

Love,

Your Daughter

1-16-2023

Dear Mama,

I miss being able to pick up the phone and call you. I miss being able to ask for advice on health stuff because maybe I knew you'd experienced something similar or being able to ask for tips on a particular recipe I remembered you making. 

The whole family misses you. You did so much for them that they never realized until you weren't there to make sure it got done. Grandmother misses you so much. Her sisters are gone now, and she talks about so many in the family and the community who have passed in the last couple of years. It can't be easy for her to be one of the few left. You called and talked to her just because you wanted to, and you really listened. You randomly showed up with a meal or a special treat just because. You never treated her like something she had to do. She was always someone you wanted to see. You being gone has been particularly hard on her.

Lots of other people miss you too. I get messages from friends often saying how much they miss you and Daddy. You would never have believed it or admitted that you were loved while you were here. I hope you realize it now wherever you are.

Love,

Your Daughter

1-30-2023

Dear Mama,

Grandmother has been in the hospital and then a rehab unit for about a week now. She is getting better, but there is still mending and physical therapy needed before she can come home. Please watch over her and lend her a helping hand in healing if you can. I know if you were here with us, you'd be impatiently trying to get her home. And you'd be bringing her meals because she doesn't like the food they've been serving her. You were always so good at taking care of us all.

I love you.

Your Daughter

Life Lessons and Retrospection

Seeing the life issues some of my friends and family are having to go through right now has made me rather introspective about my own past, good and bad. I've made big mistakes. I've been hurt horribly, and I know at times I've hurt others just as horribly both intentionally and on accident. I've taken some big risks, some of which paid off big for me and some not. I've made some great friends who have stuck around through thick and thin, and I've watched as people I thought were friends drifted out of my life without a backward glance.

Looking back on all those moments, I realize so much could have been avoided or at least the pain could have been lessened if I’d just learned to love and trust myself much earlier than I did. I was always looking for something that would make me better, make me into someone who people liked/loved, make me prettier, make me more successful, make me smarter. I was always looking for that something or someone on the outside, when I should have been looking within.

I had everything in me that I needed, but I’d been told so many times to the contrary that I never saw it. You’re ugly … you’re fat … you’re stupid … you’re never going to make anything of yourself. I let those voices become so loud and so insidious that I had no doubt they were telling the truth. They weren't even close to the truth. The people who said those things, they didn't even know me. Most of the people I didn't even like or want to know myself. On good days, I could tell myself that if they really knew me, they wouldn't say such hurtful words. The people who said those things to me who were close to me in my mind validated all the others though.

I’ve learned to be who makes me happy and not worry about anyone else. I don’t want to be a person anyone/everyone will love. I want to be who I’m meant to be. There are people in this world who I have been lucky enough to meet (and some I haven’t met yet I’m sure) who do or will love me just the way I am, because of who I am. If I had just learned that sooner, what unhappiness I could have spared myself and others. But then some of those hard times and trials have helped make me who I am, and right now I wouldn't want to be anyone else for all the world.

If I could share one thing with the people I love, it’s to love yourself, blemishes and flaws included, to learn from your mistakes and strive always to be someone you would be proud to know. Laugh, love, close your eyes and take that leap of faith from time to time. Maybe that’s all any of us can ask for in life … to be comfortable enough in our own skin to love ourselves and strong enough to trust we won’t be hurt when letting others in.