My Life in Music

Childhood

Miracle by Celine Dion

A Different World by Bucky Covington

I've Been Dreaming of a Smoky Mountain Christmas by Dolly Parton

Sweet Home Alabama by Lynyrd Skynyrd

Daughters by John Mayer

The Last Unicorn by Jimmy Web (The Last Unicorn Soundtrack)

American Friday Night by Buddy Covington

Christmas in Dixie by Alabama

Hard Candy Christmas by Dolly Parton

Sweet Southern Comfort by Buddy Jewell

Daddy's Girl by Red Sovine

Magic Dance by David Bowie (Labyrinth Soundtrack)

These are the Days by 10,000 Maniacs

I Want to be a Cowboy’s Sweetheart by Patsy Montana

Walking After Midnight by Patsy Cline

Loved by the Sun By Tangerine Dream (Legend Soundtrack)

Seven Spanish Angels by Ray Charles and Willie Nelson

Nothing is Gonna Stop Us Now by Jefferson Starship

Young Adulthood

Enter Sandman by Metallica

Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nivrana

Lambada by Kid Creole and the Coconuts

Waterfalls by TLC

Big Empty by Stone Temple Pilots

Losing My Religion by R.E.M.

Girls Just Want to Have Fun by Cindi Lauper

The World I Know by Collective Soul

Claudia by South FM

Burn by The Cure

Bitch by Meredith Brooks

Free Your Mind by En Vogue

Black Hole Sun by Soundgarden

Nothing Else Matters by Metallica

Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne

Criminal by Fiona Apple

Invincible by Pat Benatar

Stupid Girl by Garbage

If it Ain't Got That Swing by Benny Goodman

Jump Jive an’ Wail by The Brian Setzer Orchestra

Hell by Squirrel Nut Zipper

Freak on a Leash by Korn

The Bondage Song by Tiamat

Blue Monday by Orgy

Jeremy by Pearl Jam

Beautiful People by Marilyn Manson

One of Us by Joan Osborne

Like a Prayer by Madonna

Linger by The Cranberries

My Last Semester by The Wonder Years

Photograph by Nickleback

Everybody’s Free to Wear Sunscreen by Baz Luhrman

One Headlight by The Wallflowers

Meet Virginia by Train

Feel Good Inc by Gorillaz

You’ll Never Leave Harlan Alive by Darrell Scott

I’m Free by The Who

Adulthood Part I

Unwritten By Natasha Bedingfield

No Rain by Blind Melon

What's Up by Four Non Blondes

For Your Entertainment by Adam Lambert

Last Friday Night by Katie Perry

Snuff by Slipknot

Love You to Death by Type O Negative

A Song for a Friend by Jason Mraz

We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel

What’s Going On? By Compilation of Various Artists Tribute

Passenger by Deftones

Adulthood Part II

Every Breath You Take by The Police

You Don't Own Me By Lesley Gore

Express Yourself by Madonna

Sing by Chemical Romance

A Perfect Twist by Mike Patton

Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve

Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls

I Will Remember You by Sarah McLachlan

Live Like You Were Dying by Tim McGraw

Adulthood Part III

Don't Let Me Get Me by Pink

Pleasure Slave by Manowar

Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson

Bring Me to Life by Evanescence

Breath Control by Recoil

Beautiful by Christina Aguilera

Closer by Nine Inch Nails

The Reason by Hoobastank

Someone Like You by Adele

Take a Bow by Madonna

Teddy Bear by Red Rovine

Lips of an Angel by Hinder

Not Ready to Make Nice by Dixie Chicks

Adulthood Part IV

Firework by Katie Perry

Girls Just Want to Have Fun by Cindi Lauper

Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen

Damn I Wish I was you Lover by Sophie B. Hawkins

Rebel Yell by Billy Idol

El Tango de Roxanne from Moulin Rouge Soundtrack

Control By Puddle of Mud

Missundaztood by Pink

I Know the Truth on the Aida Soundtrack

Human Nature by Madonna

Don’t Speak by No Doubt

Sonny Came Home by Shawn Colvin

Stronger by Britney Spears

A Woman’s Worth by Alicia Keys

Unwritten By Natasha Bedingfield

G33K G4M3R Girls by Team Unicorn

Born This Way by Lady Gaga

Everything You Want by Splendor

There You Go by Pink

I Kissed a Girl by Katie Perry

Venus in Furs by The Velvet Underground

Bad Things by Jace Everett

If it’s Not God by Maddie Zahm

Losing My Religion by R.E.M.

I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing by Aerosmith

My Little Girl by Tim McGraw

Just the Way You Are by Bruno Mars

Going to the Chapel by The Dixie Cups

Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton

I Loved Her First by Heartland

Try it On My Own by Whitney Houston

Fraoch A Ronaigh by Mouth Music

Hero – Enrique Iglesias

All About That Bass by Meghan Trainor

I've Had the Time of My Life by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes

Adulthood Part V

I Didn’t Know I’d Love You So Much from the Repo Genetic Opera Soundtrack

Mad Mad World by Gary Jules

The Sound of Silence by Disturbed

Will The Circle Be Unbroken by Nitty Gritty Dirt Band／Johnny Cash／Ricky Skaggs

Just a Rose Will Do by The Reese Sisters

Who's Going to Fill Their Shoes by George Jones

The Living Years by Mike and the Mechanics

Somebody that I used to Know by Kimbra and Gotye

So Far Away by Avenged Sevenfold

Because of You by Reba McIntyre and Kelly Clarkson

Adulthood Part VI ...

This is Me by Keala Settle

The Land Unknown by Landon Blood

Blue Side of the Mountain by The SteelDrivers

W.I.T.C.H by Devon Cole

Shadow Work - Writing Prompts for Aquarians Pt. 3

 

Where am I holding myself back in life due to fear of others' judgment?

There are parts of my grief and what I've discovered as I've processed my grief over losing my parents that I don't share with people because I know a lot of those people would judge me harshly for it. Once someone has passed, it seems like everyone who loved them is suppose to put on these rosy glasses to only see the very best of the person they lost and their past interactions with them. Not everything is rosy. A lot of things are dark and ugly and still hurt long after time and death has changed everyone involved. If you express those things and are honest about the pain, then you are a bad mother/daughter/sister/friend.

I miss both of my parents and I loved and still love them dearly. Neither were perfect people though. There was some very serious psychological trauma in one of those relationships that shaped how I interacted with the world, how I thought, how I loved. Physical and emotional distance helped chip away at the wall I had built to protect myself, but the attempt to avoid further pain still affects my actions every day consciously and subconsciously. Without the constant reinforcement, it's getting better, but I still have a long journey before this rediscovery of self is complete. 

In ways I feel relieved that I am not under the burden of expectations anymore or the psychological/emotional attacks when the expectations weren't met. And that leads to survivor guilt and self deprecation. I am working to work through that. We'll see where it goes.

So, it's hard to express to someone how I feel and not feel awful for feeling it and even worse for saying it out loud. There's a huge burden that's been lifted, and there's another dragging me down. Someday I will fly. For now, I will have to settle for a bit of a float. We all float down here, right?

Shadow Work - Writing Prompts for Aquarians Pt. 2.2

 

When have I judged or held back my emotions? (Part 2)

It's weird when you have this sudden realization about something that happened years ago, and you're like, "Huh, that's why I did that!" Honestly, I hold myself back in some way every single day because I have learned it’s safer to keep some parts of myself for myself than share them and get hurt. I do it less as I get older and have slowly separated myself from the people and places that are the most toxic to me. But sometimes I catch myself falling back into old habits.

I remember being in college taking an acting class because it was required for my teaching degree and the profession getting so angry with me. We were  doing a visualization exercise where she would throw things out at us and be like, and then this happened and now this and this ... what do you do? I completed mine, and she just looked at me and said, "You wouldn't react that way. No one does." She poked at me and poked at me and demanded that I would get angry and do this or that like normal angry people do. I looked at two or three other people I knew in the class and told the professor to ask them, they know me. They all agreed with me, I was being pretty true to how I would actually react in a stressful situation.

At that point in my life, I had spent so long around an explosive parent who only got more explosive if you reacted to the instigation, that I could field most stress without any outward reaction. It was a coping mechanism for anxiety and psychological abuse. It was also a silent protest because I refused to feed the chaos by losing my composure. Losing composure was a failure/loss. I can look back and see so many instances like this over and over. I realized it on a surface level when I was about 24, and by 25 I had moved as far away as I could manage. I learned to not only disengage but to be forceful about why I was disengaging and put the ownership for the growing distance where it belonged. It got worse for a while. There were lots of, "You were never like this before. What happened to you? You used to be so soft spoken and kind." The real answer was I used to just bear it to keep the peace, and for the first time I was looking out for my peace. Improvement happened slowly over more than a decade, with a load of setbacks.

Odd how random things just make you go, wow, I'm glad I'm here and now and not then anymore.