I suppose I have to put a disclaimer at the beginning of
this. If you aren't into women’s liberation, you probably shouldn't keep reading. I’m
not talking your average, politically correct feminist movement rhetoric. I’m
not talking about demanding equal pay in the workplace, the right to work
outside the home, a woman’s right to choose when it comes to reproduction
rights, etc. I’m talking about true social and sexual liberation. All women (and men) have a right to choose
what feels right for them and their life, and that can change as they change.
It’s not the world’s place to judge them for it, but to accept that we are all
different and need different things in order to feel fulfilled and happy. If
what makes me happiest doesn't hurt you or infringe on anyone’s right to be who
they need to be, then there is no place for judgment. If these notions aren't
something you feel you can stomach, I’d suggest you stop reading now … or don’t
… it’s your choice.
That being said … I suppose here I go.
In my everyday life, whether I am leading or following, I am
a doer. I plan, I organize, and I get things done. That’s what I am good at. I've
been a teacher, a healthcare advocate, and an editor. Deadlines are a spur to
action, and I’m good at getting things done in a pinch. I enjoy the challenge.
I can work on a team, but I like doing things on my own and in my own way. I
can be a tad obsessive compulsive about organization and promptness sometimes,
but luckily I've made it work in my favor more often than not. I’m independent,
stubborn (downright bull-headed at times I know), curious, adventurous, and
more than a little impulsive.
In my personal life, a lot of those same things apply most of
the time. There are some important exceptions though. I’m a submissive. I’m not
talking this 50 Shades of Gray bullshit. I made the choice to pursue this
avenue, to allow this part of myself the freedom to grow. No one coerced me
into anything. I wasn't manipulated or tricked into it. I made and keep
making a conscious, intelligent, informed decision about what is best for me,
and so far I've found being a part of this lifestyle works well for me. I am a
submissive, and I don’t feel like I’m betraying a generation of feminists to be
one. It doesn't mean I’m submissive to everyone. I’m not a doormat to be stepped
on by anyone who comes through it. That’s not me, and that’s not 99% of
the people I know who identify as submissive.
Don’t call me a slave, and don’t treat me like you think a
slave should be treated. Submissive and slave is not the same thing, and
everyone has their own definition of each. I'm not saying it is wrong to be a slave. I have served under that title, and for that time with that person, it was right. There are positives and negatives as there are with any relationship. Most
of it was positive. Still, for my own reasons, it is not a place I choose to go again myself. I don’t regret having experienced it once. It lets me know
I can trust another person enough to wield that sort of control and come out
the other side a stronger person for it. That’s not a bad thing to know about
yourself. It's just not how I define myself and my relationships now.
I am a submissive, unapologetic and happy with that fact
even though I feel like I have to defend my right to be one with some people.
Being in charge is great, but sometimes it is just nice to not be in control.
It’s liberating. I can hand over the reins to someone I trust implicitly, and I
can be secure in the knowledge that together our power exchange needs will be
met in a safe, sane, and consensual fashion. Do you know how hard that is to find in any
lifestyle? To be able to put yourself in someone else’s hands and trust them
enough to say I’m yours for this moment, this hour, this evening, this
lifetime? By nature, I don’t trust easily, so it is even harder for me to let
go completely. When I am able to do that though … it is amazing.
The pleasure of knowing that I pleased the person I’m
choosing to serve fills a void that I haven’t been able to fill with anything
else. Despite the drivel literature mentioned above, it’s not necessarily
sexual service. For me, it’s almost always not that at all. It could be shining
someone’s shoes to a high polish so that they look extra nice when we go
somewhere. It could be reorganizing a kitchen cupboard with a friend’s needs in
mind as I place each item. It could be hosting a dinner party. It could be
wearing a collar and leash out to a club or a private event to show ownership
if only for a night. Different people enjoy being served in different ways, and
different submissives enjoy serving in different ways.
I’m also a sexual masochist. Nothing bad happened in my past to
make me that way. My parents weren't abusive. I didn't have a bad home life. I’m
not mentally ill. I’m just hardwired to feel some forms of pain a little
differently. The right combinations of pain can be heavenly. It makes getting
multiple hour tattoos very interesting and somewhat embarrassing. There are Dominants and sadists who are
masterful at providing interesting and mind-blowing combinations. It takes a
certain level of finesse and creativity and patience to make it last as long as it needs to
for all involved to feel satisfied at the closure. I let go of control,
surrender to the experience itself … there’s nothing better. I’m not thinking
about everything I need to do tomorrow or creating grocery lists in my head or
worrying about this or that. It’s all emotion and sensation and sound and need
and want and must have. It’s a give and a take of power, an intoxicating dance
I hope I never have to give up completely. Sometimes it is slow and sensual and teasing,
and sometimes it’s hard and fast and brutal. Sometimes it is playful and light,
and sometimes it is scary. Combined with the Dominant/Submissive exchange, it
can be gently loving or deadly serious. It depends on what each person needs at
the time. With the right person, that exchange of power can be very very good.
Is my life for everyone? No. Is it for me? The past 23 years
of experiences, good and bad, have proven over and over again that it is right
for me. Are my experiences typical of those who share my lifestyle? I don’t
know. We are all so different. Not every submissive is a masochist. Not every
Dominant is a sadist. There are so many
labels, and not all of us can be easily defined with them. Is the lifestyle I
have chosen to participate in inherently dangerous and abusive as unfortunately
so often it is portrayed in the media? No. Is it always safe, and are the
people always good, honest individuals? No. You get that with every group of
people though. I've done things that are dangerous and stupid. Sure. I will be
the first to admit I’m lucky that I haven’t been hurt. It’s been a trial and
error process, but over the years I've developed a system of communication,
negotiation, and safeguarding that has worked for me.
Maybe if we were more open about things like this, if we as
a society were less judgmental regarding people who are different than the norm,
we could have the discussions needed openly to create a safer environment for
everyone involved. At this point, that responsibility falls on each individual
person who chooses to be active in this lifestyle. No matter if you are
submissive, Dominant, Switch, sadist, masochist, top, bottom, or something
altogether different, you have to take responsibility for your own safety and well-being
before you can do that for or with your partner. You have to choose if this
life is right for you and then find out what version of it best suits your
needs. I’m happy with my version, and I hope anyone else who follows a path
similar to mine finds their own happy version as well.
