Who Am I?

Phenomenal Women Art Print by Eliza Reisfield

What am I? Definitions of womanhood have always sort of evaded me. None of them work. I do not fit into the neat little boxes that so many like to use to define who or what someone is or is not.

I’m not classically beautiful, but I’m not ugly. I’m not super model tall, but I’m above average height compared to most women I know. My boobs and my hips aren't in proportion, but I've been told both are pleasing. Curvy doesn’t cover it when you have a 12-13 inch waist to hip ratio. I will never be twig thin. I don’t want to be.  I try and stay at a weight I’m happy with and I feel healthy at. Sometimes I succeed, and sometimes I fail at that part. I’m guessing no matter what size you are, that’s how things go sometimes.

I’m not straight, and I’m not a lesbian. Bisexual is too limiting for me to embrace. Can I be person-sexual … omnisexual … just sexually sexual? I've never claimed to be easily definable.

I'm one of those 40 Something women who do not have children. I'm still not sure how I feel about that. Did I want children? Desperately. Am I going to have them? No. My reproductive organs weren't able to cooperate with the desire to reproduce. It wasn't in the deck I was dealt. I have cried a lot of tears over the last several years about it. Now, well, it just is what it is. My body can't conceive or carry. Adoption isn't an option for us. Fostering would grind my heart into dust. My desire for parenthood doesn't define me. I can be whole without it.

I have a wife who loves me and who I love beyond measure. She's my partner in whatever I do, and I can't imagine my life without her. I had a lot of ups and downs on my way to meeting her. I had relationships that were roller coaster rides through hell, and I had a couple of winners too. I had some fun nights with people I never intended to have relationships with, and I don't regret them. I've made mistakes. I've made some great friends, and I'm sure a few enemies too along the way. I've loved with all my heart, and my heart has been broken. I mended it without anyone's help, and I will always be glad for that. I lost myself, and I found a version of me that I liked better.

Who am I? I can answer that. I’m intelligent. I’m blunt. I’m generous. Sometimes I’m too thoughtful.  I’m slow to anger and quick to laugh. I'm flawed. I'm an introvert and an extrovert. I’m sexy. I’m shy. I’m feminine, and I’m masculine. For good or ill, I'm Southern. I’m not naturally trusting, but when I love, I love with everything in me. I’m creative. I’m soft-spoken. I try to be lady-like in my manners if not my thoughts. I’d like to hope I’m kind.