Life Lessons and Retrospection

Seeing the life issues some of my friends and family are having to go through right now has made me rather introspective about my own past, good and bad. I've made big mistakes. I've been hurt horribly, and I know at times I've hurt others just as horribly both intentionally and on accident. I've taken some big risks, some of which paid off big for me and some not. I've made some great friends who have stuck around through thick and thin, and I've watched as people I thought were friends drifted out of my life without a backward glance.

Looking back on all those moments, I realize so much could have been avoided or at least the pain could have been lessened if I’d just learned to love and trust myself much earlier than I did. I was always looking for something that would make me better, make me into someone who people liked/loved, make me prettier, make me more successful, make me smarter. I was always looking for that something or someone on the outside, when I should have been looking within.

I had everything in me that I needed, but I’d been told so many times to the contrary that I never saw it. You’re ugly … you’re fat … you’re stupid … you’re never going to make anything of yourself. I let those voices become so loud and so insidious that I had no doubt they were telling the truth. They weren't even close to the truth. The people who said those things, they didn't even know me. Most of the people I didn't even like or want to know myself. On good days, I could tell myself that if they really knew me, they wouldn't say such hurtful words. The people who said those things to me who were close to me in my mind validated all the others though.

I’ve learned to be who makes me happy and not worry about anyone else. I don’t want to be a person anyone/everyone will love. I want to be who I’m meant to be. There are people in this world who I have been lucky enough to meet (and some I haven’t met yet I’m sure) who do or will love me just the way I am, because of who I am. If I had just learned that sooner, what unhappiness I could have spared myself and others. But then some of those hard times and trials have helped make me who I am, and right now I wouldn't want to be anyone else for all the world.

If I could share one thing with the people I love, it’s to love yourself, blemishes and flaws included, to learn from your mistakes and strive always to be someone you would be proud to know. Laugh, love, close your eyes and take that leap of faith from time to time. Maybe that’s all any of us can ask for in life … to be comfortable enough in our own skin to love ourselves and strong enough to trust we won’t be hurt when letting others in.