Witchy Wednesday Writing Prompt: Control

Imagine the wild, wide desert. You are lost. You are thirsty. You are rescued. What happens when you learn to drink from someone else’s palm? Can you find peace in needing someone or something other than yourself? Can you lean into the softness, the slowness? Who are you when you aren’t in control?

Letting someone else be in control of me and/or my life has been a point of difficulty for me for as long as I can remember. I think it stems from feeling like I had absolutely no control over what happened in my life growing up. The way I reacted to the chaos was my only sense of control, and I learned to hold onto that with a death grip. 

It has had both its good and bad repercussions. As an adult, I am organized and self-sufficient. I show initiative to commit to a job or task and I make sure it is completed from start to finish. It also means that while I can be a team player, I do not like it when I am forced into a group a project. I hate depending on others in order to get something done in a timely and efficient manner. I do not trust that others will pull their weight and do their part. I would rather just do it all myself so that there is less important parts outside of my control. I keep a schedule of everything that needs to be done, paid, etc. for each month. I detest being late. I make lists and enjoy checking off items as they are completed.

But, all of that strict organization and control means that sometimes I resent the feeling that I "have" to be in control. Sometimes I want desperately to be able to hand over the reins of control to someone I trust enough to see me and care for me in a vulnerable state. Sometimes I just want to feel and be. No thoughts, no questions. Peace and passion. I think that's why I was so drawn to alternative lifestyles that offered a place for people who thought similarly. Those scenes and relationships are the only ones I have been able to fully release control and lose myself for a little while. It's an incredible feeling when I trust the person enough to just be. Gentle but strong. Power wrapped in silk. It took me quite a while to realize that giving up control did not make me powerless. There is unbelievable power in submitting yourself to someone else's will for a short time.