Witchy Wednesday: A Ritual Defining and Manifesting Happiness

 

What does happiness mean to you? What is the operational definition?

Happiness is not being in pain or distress; physical, mental, or emotional. Happiness is not being so afraid that it holds me back from doing or being what makes me happiest.

Up until now, have you believed it was obtainable? Why or why not?

I think moments of happiness have caught me by surprise from time to time. They come out of nowhere, and when they're happening it's a whirlwind of beauty. It's only after when they are gone that I realize just how wonderful those individual moments were. I wish I had paid more attention to them when they were happening, cherished them in the moment, held on tighter to the feelings. Maybe they are so special and memorable because they are so rare. I don't know.

Think of a specific time when you were happy. What did that happiness look like? How did it feel?

I wasn't worrying about anything. I wasn't thinking about something I had to do later. I wasn't worried about the way I looked in that moment. I wasn't in any physical pain. I wasn't trying too hard to be or do or say anything. I could just be. Laughter. There's always laughter, and everything is bright in my memory even in the dark. 

What does the happiest version of you look like? How do they respond to triggers? What do they believe to be true?

The happiest version of me is happy to be me, just as I am. Imperfectly perfect. The happiest version of me is able to accept love and not question its cost or motive. The happiest version of me can offer love without fear of it being misused or used to hurt me later. The happiest version of me smiles more and feels the smiles. The happiest version of me is every shade of green.

Mother's Day Surprise

Mother's Day Surprise by Soosh

Mother's Day is hard on so many levels for me. Maybe it always will be. Maybe time will ease it eventually. I don't know. I just know right now, it's torture.

My mother and I did not have the easiest relationship. I don't know when it started to go left. Maybe it was always that way. I can't recall a time when there wasn't some sort of strain. It always felt like I fell short of what she wanted as a daughter. I know she loved me, but I never didn't feel like I was a disappointment to her. She never once told me she was proud of me. Now there is no time for that to happen.

Now that she has passed, people expect that all of recollections should be rosy with nostalgia. I wish that was the case. There's anger and resentment and disappointment, and a hell of a lot of hurt. There's longing and love and regret too. My family would be angry if I expressed anything other than pure love though, so I am silent. I gloss over the truth for them or outright lie to make them feel better like I always did. To protect their feelings. To protect their memories.

It's not an easy day.

A New and Unexpected Spiritual Experience

Cernunnos by Barbarafineartstudio

Steffie and I went to a live show of one of my favorite podcasts this weekend. I enjoy the podcast because it reminds me of everything I loved about growing up in the lower Appalachian region. Making a little go a long way, strong mothers and grandmothers who guide families through hard times, a reverence for the green spaces and the old stories. 

The cadence of the narrator reminds me of every evangelical preacher I heard as a kid. Rising and falling like water, soft as a whisper and then crashing like thunder. It's beautiful and hypnotizing and a bit frightening all at once. They really structured the evening like a tent revival too. A little bit of story here, an anecdotal lesson for the congregation, followed by some hymnals, and then another closing story or two. Some of the music was joyous and loud, and others were poignant and heart rending.  

One of the creators spent a small section of time talking about issues we are facing in our world today. I thought it was very clever that she approached it as a call and response sort of format just as I've seen in church so many times. The preacher calls out, and the congregation follows with a forceful "Amen." With each recitation the passion and conviction increase until it is a roll of thunder passing through the crowd. Instead of Amen, the audience followed each political horror and social injustice with a vicious shout of, "HEX!" The room roared their responses. I applaud her sentiment, and I completely agree that we need to fight the atrocities going on, but I did not call out a reply. The power in that room was thick and for the taking. But it was cold and red. Hexes and curses are not my path, and I don't know her well enough to trust her with my own spark of intent outside of my personal control.

Maker Monday: Adventures in Brewing - Let us learn about ... BEER.

"This is grain, which any fool can eat, but for which the Lord intended a more divine means of consumption. Let us give praise to our maker and glory to his bounty by learning about ... BEER!" 

--- Friar Tuck from Robin Hood

Adventures in Brewing Part I: Dry Irish Stout and Summer Shandy Kits

We have been wanting to try brewing our own beer for a while, and this October we decided to give it a try. The new COVID strains have been spreading and we've been locking down more on what activities we are doing outside the house, so it's a perfect time to try something that we can do at home together. We live within driving distance to two brewing supply stores, so we started there. 

We decided wanted to try smaller kits to begin with to see what flavors we liked best before moving up to the larger 5 gallon brew. No one wants 5 gallons of a beer they don't like just sitting around forever. Midwest Supplies had a lot of 1 gallon kits to choose from, and we already had a lot of the required reusable supplies from when we were making mead. We picked up two kits, a 1 Gallon kit for a Summer Squeeze Lemon Shandy beer and another 1 Gallon kit for a Dry Irish Stout.

Summer Shandy 991

The kits was very easy to understand and follow. I give them huge kudos for that. We did quickly discover that we wanted a larger pot for boiling. All of the beer brewing guides we read and watched suggested that we use a pot that holds at least double the liquid in our brew, and we do not have a two gallon pot other than our big canner that seems a bit of an overkill to use. Our 1.5 gallon stock pot did okay in the short term. We brewed everything up per directions, cooled the wort in an ice bath, and then transferred it into one of our one gallon carboy bottles (sanitized). Popped in an airlock, and we were good to start on the second batch.

A few hours later, both were already starting to bubble, and the next morning we had foam pouring out the airlock for the Stout. It has a very vigorous and active yeast. Note to anyone looking for a precautionary guard for foam over, the plastic clamshell containers that they use to store croissants in at Sam's club will perfectly fit two 1 gallon carboys in each side of the clamshell. This will protect your counter or table from any mess and make it easier to clean up if it does bubble over the first few days. 

Dry Irish Stout 884

We left both batches in their carboys for two and half weeks before bottling. We used the fizzdrops that
came with the kits to carbonate the bottles. In the past we had tried the type of carbonation drops that look like little aspirin tablets, and those did not work very well for us in carbonating mead. These were much larger and looked more like a cough drop. We did have to cut the lozenges in half to be able to fit them into a standard size bear bottle. They were a little too wide for the neck opening of the bottle. It was fairly easy to do with just a knife and careful patience.

As a safety precaution in case of bottle bombs, we put the sealed bottles inside two insulated plastic coolers that we use when we go camping in hopes that if a bottle did over-carbonate and explode, most of the damage would be contained within the cooler. Who knows, if  that had happened, it might have just blown the  lid open anyway, but never hurts to try and minimize destruction.

After the brews had been conditioning in the bottle for another two and half weeks, we opened a couple up to test them. 

Summer Shandy 991 Tasting

The Summer Shandy was excellent. It was crisp, very clean tasting with the pop of citrus that made it very refreshing. It was fully carbonated but not overly sudsy, which we both liked. Fairly clear with just a bit of haze to it. Overall a really pretty and delicious lighter beer for a hot Summer day.

Dry Irish Stout 991 Tasting

The Dry Irish Stout was very good, excellent flavor, but not quite what we expected from a kit labeled as an Irish Stout. It is lighter in color and opacity than the images shown on the listing. Ours turned out much closer to a brown ale than a stout. It reminded me a bit of a Newcastle.

We would like to try the recipe again but add a bit of Carafa III to the mix. We only have one bottle left of our 10 that we had before the holidays, so it wasn't a bad brew by any means. It was very good.

Both of these photos were taken two weeks after bottling with the first taste tests we did. Another almost two weeks have gone by, and they've both cleared up even more, and the taste has only gotten better. 

Adventures in Brewing Part II: It's So Cold Even the Beer has Permafrost

Let me preface this with: one should not start a beer making session without fully estimating the time to completion. We do not want to talk about how late my wife and I were up last night.

Back in November, we made two small one gallon batches of Dry Irish Stout and Summer Shandy. I think at the end we had just under 20 bottles of beer from that. Now they are all gone, and we are beerless and bereft.

During the holidays, I ordered a special holiday themed beer kit from Northern Brewer called Home for the Holidays Winter Extract Beer Variety Pack. It included these three beers, all in five gallon brews:

Sasquatch Barleywine (Exclusive to Home for the Holidays Variety Pack) - Found only in folklore, and this 3-pack bundle, our barleywine clone is modeled after a strong and robust cult-classic with the refined intensity of a wine. As big as the cryptid creature itself, Sasquatch Barleywine really packs a wallop. With an ABV over 9% and IBUs nearing 100, this recipe produces an intense sipping experience. Loads of fermentables and a healthy dose of caramel malt create a wonderfully full body and huge depth of malt nuances, while hearty quantities of classic American hops create sensations of firm bitterness with waves of grapefruit citrus, floral earthiness, and pine flavors. Be sure to let this one lurk in the cellar, the flavors will meld with time.

Permafrost White IPA - This complex and hoppy brew will help you to navigate the doldrums of seemingly never-ending winters. Developed with the pioneering spirit of American brewers, this White IPA recipe melds old world tradition with the hoppy boldness of an American IPA. At first glance, this beer is as white as the frozen tundra, but upon closer scrutiny, tall drifts of American hop flavor and aromas abound. A traditional witbier grain bill and yeast strain coupled with West Coast American hops yields a wonderfully complex India White Ale beer kit. A slight spice and tartness from the yeast intermingling with citrus notes from abundant hop additions complement the silky smooth body created by flaked oats and unmalted wheat. Stay frosty my friends!

Festivus Miracle Holiday Ale - Feats of strength! Airing of grievances! The infamous aluminum Festivus pole! This miraculous pint of ale is a tradition for Festivus holidays to come. It's mildly spiced, yet packed with sufficient ABV to ensure winter-time glory. Beneath its mountain of snowy froth lies the garnet-hued elixir of celebrations to come. A glint of orange peel invigorates the senses, cascading into a full-bodied pillar of Festivus ale. Adornments of holiday spice warm the nose as delicate hints of stone fruit, raisin and caramel wrestle for center stage. Toasty malt adds complexity to the impressive mouthfeel for a comforting, prolonged finish.

All three are new flavor profiles for us, and they sounded like they'd be fun to try. And I will be 100% honest, I
really really really wanted that Sasquatch Barleywine for no other reason that it has Sasquatch in the name. And the kit was the only way to get that one in particular. For our first brew of the kit, we decided on the Permafrost White IPA because neither of us has ever had a white IPA, and we are curious what makes it different. I will be honest here up front, IPAs are not our favorite beers. The heavy bitter bite many of them have is a bit of a turn off. So we made a bit of an adjustment to the kit recipe to account for that. We'll see how it goes. This beer is very hoperific. It wanted us to start with a 30 minute boil after adding an ounce of bittering hops. We decided not to add these hops. During later brewing, it had us add two more kinds of hops at varying increments in the total brew time. Both of these hop varieties were very fruity and floral on the nose. They smelled wonderful. I measured the hop additions into muslin teabags to reduce the sludge and mess in the bottom of the brew pot. They were super easy to remove at the end.

The brew also included a blend of grains and a couple of different malts added at different points in the process. I made a slight error when it comes to the malt. I was reading a few different steps about secondary fermentation, and for some reason (despite the not so clear instructions telling me to add it in the last stage of the boil) thought it was going in at the beginning of the secondary fermentation. And then as we were cooling the wort, I realized my mistake. We rewarmed a portion of the wort and melted the second malt addition into it before adding that to the rest of the partially cooled batch. The wort is a really pretty toasted caramel color, and you can smell the two malts and the grains as a backnote to the nice fruity hop smell that is definitely top of the nose.

A note on cooling. For our one gallon batches, we used ice baths in the kitchen sink as our cooling method. It took forever, and we quickly ran out of ice. Just after the holidays, my wife ordered a wort chiller, and last night was our first night using it. Get thee a wort chiller! So much quicker and so much less hassle. We had five gallon of boiling liquid down to 78 degrees in 20 minutes. Totally worth it.

And bonus that it fit perfectly in the 10 gallon brew kettle I bought for my wife for Yule (It's a Gas One brand if anyone is interested. I bought it off Amazon, but they are available at a lot of places online in various sizes). We got it transferred over to our sterilized 5 gallon carboy and got that transferred over into a big plastic tote for storage. One of our small batch beers foamed over like crazy in the first few days of fermentation, so I want to save my flooring from being a sticky mess by playing it safe using a tote to catch any drips.

The initial fermentation is supposed to take about two weeks. At that point we will transfer it over to a new bottle, add our last addition of hops. I believe it said it was added as an aromatic. The process reminds me of adding fruit and spices to a thumper keg when distilling liquor. Secondary fermentation will take another 2-4 weeks, and then we will be able to condition for carbonation and bottle. If it is similar to a our first two batches, we should be taste testing fizzy bear in another two weeks after that. So, around 8 weeks total until the beer is ready to chill and drink.

I will add photos as the process goes along. It was about 2:30am when we were able to roll into bed last night, and I forgot to make a picture of the finished brew.

We racked our Permafrost IPA into a clean carboy last night to begin the secondary fermentation. It is a slightly darker color than the one shown on the kit photo. It is less of a yellow and more of a hazy orange color. The aroma of it is immediately fruity and sweet smelling on the nose. You can definitely smell the passion fruit added by the hops that went in and the hints of grapefruit. I tasted a small bit of it as well, and it is also fruity to the taste as well. Not too bitter, very smooth. There will be a final hop addition in two weeks. It will be interesting to see how that changes the taste and smell.

Brew Calendar

1/24/22 - Brewed Wort for Permafrost White IPA. Began Primary Fermentation.

2/7/22 - Racked Permafrost White IPA to new carboy. Began Secondary Fermentation.

2/21/22 - Add Final Hops

3/7/22 - Conditioning and Bottling Day

3/28/22 - Tasting Day

Adventures in Brewing Part III: If Bigfoot Liked a Cold Brew, He'd Drink this One

I am happy to say in our second brew of our holiday kit, we began at a much more reasonable time so that it wasn't 2am by the time we wrapped things up. As a recap from the last post in case you haven't read that, during the holidays, I ordered a special holiday themed beer kit from Northern Brewer called Home for the Holidays Winter Extract Beer Variety Pack. It included these three beers, all in five gallon brews (a white IPA, a barleywine, and an amber ale). A few weeks ago, we brewed the white IPA. Today we brewed the Sasquatch Barleywine that I bought the kit for (because it's Sasquatch beer!).

Sasquatch Barleywine (Exclusive to Home for the Holidays Variety Pack) - Found only in folklore, and this 3-pack bundle, our barleywine clone is modeled after a strong and robust cult-classic with the refined intensity of a wine. As big as the cryptid creature itself, Sasquatch Barleywine really packs a wallop. With an ABV over 9% and IBUs nearing 100, this recipe produces an intense sipping experience. Loads of fermentables and a healthy dose of caramel malt create a wonderfully full body and huge depth of malt nuances, while hearty quantities of classic American hops create sensations of firm bitterness with waves of grapefruit citrus, floral earthiness, and pine flavors. Be sure to let this one lurk in the cellar, the flavors will meld with time.

The brew for this one went pretty smoothly. We even had time to rack a couple of our one-gallon batches of mead while we waited for the brew to come to a boil. I didn't have the type of yeast the recipe suggested, so we used a Nottingham Ale yeast instead. We've used it before on our Irish Stout, and it worked well. It has a wider temperature range for fermentation, which works well with our house being cooler in the Winter. We started the process around 7pm and were done just after 10pm.

Day 1 Fermentation. We bloomed the yeast before adding it to the wort, and boy did it take off! It was happily bubbling by the time I got up for work the next morning. By the time I got off work, yeast froth was foaming up out of the airlock and dripping down the sides like a bubble bath volcano. It hisses and crackles. You'd swear there was a heavy rain hitting the roof the sound is so loud sometimes. I remember the ferment being particularly active and aggressive the last time we used this particular yeast as well.

By day three, the fermentation had slowed to slow bubble.

Brewing Calendar

2/7/22 - Brewing Day and Primary Ferment Begins

2/28/22 - Rack to new carboy. Secondary Ferment Begins

3/21/22 - Bottling Day

4/14/22 - Tasting Day

Translating a Memory into Art

 

Since shortly after my dad passed away, I have been thinking about a way to memorialize him. I wanted it to be something that presented our relationship and the things that we enjoyed doing together. I wanted it to be something that anyone who knew him would look at it and go, "That makes me think of your Daddy." I went through a few ideas. I discarded a lot of them. I had decided on a screw driver. I wanted it to look like one of his old Craftsman screw drivers. For most of my life, I was sure he had the tools needed to fix anything in the world in that red box. I checked with my tattoo shop, and my regular artists' books were closed. I inquired about seeing one of the other artists because all of them there are very talented. None were interested in doing the piece for me.

A year or so later, I was visiting with a friend and admired his new tattoo. And then a few months after that saw another friend with a tattoo from the same artist. I took a chance and reached out with my ideas to see if she might be interested in doing the piece for me. She was. I sent some inspiration artwork I had found on Instagram (The artist Soosh does amazing artwork of moms and dads with their children) along with some photos of me and my dad and a few stories about our relationship. My one request was that the screwdriver and toolbox be red and that it should be placed somewhere that I could always see it.

She took all of that inspiration and made the idea so much better than I had dreamed. The father really looks like my father, and little girl looks like me as a kid. The number of times we were stretched out on the living room floor with all sorts of parts strewn around us reading directions on how to put together a new piece of furniture or fixing something that was broken in the house or on the car. I was his helper in every project that he'd let me be involved in (and that was a yes to most). Some of my best memories are me being covered to the elbow in grease from working on a car or handing the appropriate tools to my dad as he called for them surgical nurse style.

It makes me happy that I can look down at any time and see the representation of so many memories.

Let Them See You

In today's world when we are so inundated with information and have access to communicate with one another on every platform imaginable, how well do we actually know each other? Sadly, not very.

Over the past couple of years, this has hit home for me so many times. I had 39 years to get to know each of my parents, and there are so many things I can't answer about them both. I know they loved their siblings and me beyond measure. They both worked incredibly hard to make ends meet for our household, and they were both generous to others even at a detriment to themselves.

My Daddy's favorite cake was red velvet, and he peanut butter was the only food he would refuse outright. He loved parched or boiled peanuts though, and they were a favorite snack. He was very food adventurous and would always try the new restaurants and new types of food with me.

Mama liked salted peanuts in Coca-Cola, but only one in the glass bottle. She thought all pork was bad for you because her doctor told her not to have ham or luncheon meat because of her high blood pressure. I could not convince her for the life of me that he meant salt cured pork and processed meats because of the sodium. Even a shake of black pepper was too spicy for her. She drank a lot of water and loved crushed ice from Sonic.

I don't know their favorite colors or favorite movies or favorite songs. I don't know where they went on their first date. I never heard a story about when they knew they loved each other or their wedding proposal or marriage. I know the wedding took place at the courthouse.

I wish Daddy had talked more about his mother. I know she worked hard to raise her five boys, and it wasn't easy. Daddy helped when he could, and I am sure the other older boys did too. The youngest boy was still in school when she passed away. I was a toddler and only have the briefest and fuzziest of memories of her. We visited her sisters often, and I like them a lot. I sew like her and embroider. Daddy gave me her sewing machine when I learned to sew.

I wish I had spent more time getting to know both of my parents as people outside of being my parents. I think that's what you are suppose to do as adults. We lived so far apart, and we were able to spend so little time together once I was out of school. And then they were both gone so quickly. We never had the chance to do so many things.

Their deaths has taught me never to take time or people for granted. Say what needs to be said, keep in touch, don't put things off until tomorrow. Tomorrow is never guaranteed.

We are our Mothers' Daughters

"The women who are counted as true Daughters of Appalachia were seldom gentle flowers as flowers only lasted a season. The women born in the shadow of the mountains stand and thrive through all four (seasons) without complaining. Wouldn’t do no good anyhow. The greatness of mountain families are built upon the bones of such women, rock-spine matriarchs and Mamaws who survived the bad times, the bad weather, and bad men like it was their job because frankly, it was." -- Old Gods of Appalachia, Build Mama a Coffin ep. 1

My mother and the friends' mothers who helped raise me were all strong women each in their own way. My grandmothers and great grandmothers too. Some were strong by nature, and some were strong because life made or required them to be that. They farmed and cooked and cleaned and sewed and worked until their backs ached and their fingers cracked. They were quick to laugh and hug, and there was always a cookie or slice of cake just for you. Recipes were shared with the memories of how they learned them. There were songs in the kitchen while you helped roll and cut out the biscuits or mix the cornbread. Sewing was taught. Gardening was a full family activity. Snapping beans til your fingers were sore and green and husking corn and canning everything that grew so that we could all eat well over the winter. I have learned so much from the women in my family, and I am still learning. My Mama's gone now, but I can and do still call my remaining grandmother regularly. I call just to talk mostly, but sometimes it's to ask for a special recipe or how to grow a certain vegetable or why my beans didn't taste like hers. I cherish all the time I have with her and will never not have questions to ask her or memories to share.

I learned from them to love fiercely, to be generous of spirit, and to be a stubborn, tenacious thorn in someone's side when I believe what I am fighting for is right. They were protective until I could protect myself, and they taught me what I needed to know to be able to confidently go out on my own and succeed.

None of them were or are perfect women. They come from very different worlds from each other and different worlds than the one we find ourselves in today. Sometimes our views do not always mesh well with one another. But I never doubt they loved me and that I could call on them if I was in need.